Rob Ford Fired

November 27, 2012 by  

Rob Ford Fired, Toronto has had a very exciting 24 hours. Last night, our Canadian football team won the Grey Cup. This morning, we fired our 64th mayor: Rob Ford. Over here at the VICE Toronto office, we fell in love with this amiable, clumsy, fat drunk guy early on. It was love at first laugh, after he chased a reporter out of City Hall for calling him a “fat fuck.” We understand that this is the same guy who was arrested for a DUI in Florida while riding dirty with a bag of weed, and yes, ol’ Rob may or may not have threatened to kidnap his own children, but he was our kidnapping, reckless driving, weed-loving mayor.

Inevitably, Rob’s downfall came from his one tragic flaw: a love of high school football. Yes, Rob coached a high school football team in Etobicoke called the Don Bosco Eagles, and those little fuckers took Rob down. All the trouble really started when Rob was a city councillor. Back then, he was writing letters asking for donations to the Don Bosco Eagles using “official letterhead and other city resources,” which caused some people over at City Hall to find this swinging of City Council dick to be a massive conflict of interest. Later on, when he was mayor, he personally voted against the motion for Rob to repay the donors and give them their dirty football money back.

When Rob was on trial to defend his solicitation of football donations, the prosecution argued that ol’ Ford was “willfully ignorant” of breaking Toronto’s Conflict of Interest Act. Despite all the haters, Rob Ford continued to use his special powers to make things easier on Etobicoke’s finest high school football players. Earlier this month, two Toronto Transit buses were emptied so that they could go and pick up Rob’s football team. Rob claims it was all a misunderstanding. He said that the buses were diverted to stop a fight between the two teams playing that day, a fight that Rob blamed on the opposing team’s coach, and honestly, we believe him entirely.

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