Vinny Jersey Shore

January 13, 2012 by staff 

Vinny Jersey ShoreVinny Jersey Shore, This Week: Vinny still is wearing those ridiculous chunky glasses and whining to the other boys. Ronnie tells him it’s all in his head, which is like Keith Richards hosting an intervention for Courtney Love. We get a little moment back at the club, where Mike encourages an old flame named Paula, who he may or may not have pushed down the stairs and permanently crippled. So, he decides to hit that and takes her home. I’m pretty sure this entire thing is the plot to “What’s Love Got to Do With It.” Oh, then it rains, and Snooki and Deena get wet. And you know what that means…they turn into Gremlins. Or multiply. Whatever. Jionni ends up borrowing Mike’s underwear, which I think now means that Snooki and Sitch definitely have had sex via association. It’s a crazy world. This show makes me want to die.

Jionni and Mike do a little cooking, and Snooki gets all paranoid about them talking, and Jioni is forced to choose between his love for Snooki and a sandwich or something. I don’t understand this plot point. It’s sort of like we’re in a Stanley Kubrick film for forty-five seconds or so. Pauly and Ronnie climb into bed together and snuggle and spoon and it’s enough manlove to make RuPaul go “Okay, I’m out.” RonPaul. That’s what I’m going to call this match-up. It sounds familiar, somehow… Vinny is late for his shift at the t-shirt shop, and in a scripted show, this would be tragic foreshadowing for him hanging from the rafters. Alas, he’s probably just sucking his thumb somewhere. Sammi and Vinny screenprint shirts together or something and have a long conversation about depression and then everyone ODs on Cymbalta. Vinny spins this into a conversation with Danny about anxiety, who asks him if he “just caught it.” At this point I smack my forehead and wonder if, somehow, anxiety can spread like VD.

We then get an oddly real and touching moment of PSA where Vinny talks about the importance of mental health practices and talking your problems through with people. It almost makes me go “awww” for a second, but then I throw a brick at the tv and feel better. Pauly kidnaps Vinny for a pedicure. We spend fifteen minutes watching him get his nails done. It’s the ninth gayest thing I have ever seen on this show. Pauly D’s spray tan then rejects his body, and his skin falls off. So that was fun.

Time for everyone to go to a club named Karma. Snooki is wearing a sl**tty Cleopatra getup, complete with “JIONNI’S” emblazoned across her bum. Is that tag good for the whole package, or just the posterior, Snooks? Because…oh, come on, reader, make up your own inappropriate sex joke here.

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