Ghost Reportedly Gropes Grandma

November 22, 2011 by staff 

Ghost Reportedly Gropes Grandma, Doris Birch is having trouble getting a good night’s sleep, but she doesn’t need Ambien, she needs a ghost buster.

For the last four months, Birch, a 73-year-old grandmother living in the British town of Herne Bay, is reportedly being kept up nights by a ghost who keeps groping her when she is trying to rest.

“It’s like an octopus,” she told “It started four months ago. I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands. I kicked frantically and it went away. Next time it came I hurled the duvet on to the floor!”

But the ghost keeps coming back and Birch has resorted to drastic measures to deal with the inappropiately amorous entity.

“I’ve tried sleeping without the duvet, but it started shaking my mattress,” she reportedly said. “I even threw the mattress off the bed and bought a new one but it has made no difference. I told my 16-year-old granddaughter and she was gobsmacked. She said I must be joking.”

Besides the terror of being mysteriously molested, the former nursing assistant fears that coming forward with her story might make people think she is unable to tend to herself.

Paranormal researcher and Huffington Post blogger Alexandra Holzer says it’s hard to tell what is inspiring the spooky sexual assault without a full a proper investigation with a trained trans-medium and researcher as well as an examination of the history of Birch’s home.

“However, based on her story and experience she seems like she has a rude, sexually inclined ‘visitor’ who in life may have acted this way with the woman,” she told HuffPost Weird News. “Having said that, it isn’t so much a ‘poltergeist’ entity as much as a ‘devilish’ sort of ‘character’ having their ‘way’ with granny. They don’t care what age she would be as a female is a female to a pe*vert in life and in death.”

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