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Duke Nukem Forever

June 11, 2011 by USA Post 

Duke Nukem ForeverDuke Nukem Forever, Duke Nukem 3D does not seem like much now – the game of 1996 was not much more than a Doom clones with attitude. (“Attitude” = dialogue taken from Army of Darkness.) But it’s hard to express just how refreshing sense of humor was Duking. Sure, it was basically a fantasy Fratboy – with plenty of strippers! – But the game had all sorts of fun little details, and the general tone of steroid action parodically Beefcake was actually alive and exciting. (Even better was the highest level that was at the White House to rescue President Clinton, is basically the “John F. Kennedy vs. Zombies” mini-game Call of Duty: Black Ops a decade and a half ahead of schedule.) Now, after a long, long, long under development longer than duke developer essentially closed realms in 3-D, the long awaited sequel to Duke Nukem Forever is set to hit the shops.

Early reviews have been good forever, so I started playing the game with some trepidation. When you turn the game, you see the words “Duke Nukem Forever” descend on an American flag. This flag then explodes. Ooohh, we’re getting political! The first, entitled “Lives Duke,” is actually a remake of the level of head of a football field of Duke Nukem 3D. I’m not being cruel when I say that this first level is almost impossible to play. He died two or three times before I realized it was no secret to kill the alien boss: You just keep your gun shooting and dodging his attacks until he is dead lame.

Somehow, I kept dying, and during the load times without extended break, the game keeps giving me tips guaranteed to make you tremble my sainted mother: “Taking steroids to make their melee attacks stronger.” “Drinking beer to be more difficult.” “Destroy the pods before Pregnators egg hatching.” “You can take the rat.” All good advice, especially what has Pregnators, which I think is just a geek way of saying, “always use protection.”

However, when the first level, there’s a twist: It turns out, Duke Nukem, they have been playing a game called Duke Nukem Forever. And while I’ve been playing, a pair of twins hot blonde in schoolgirl clothes were, well, doing something very NSFW. Hot blonde twins said exclaim that the game that looks good, which is almost certainly the first time that hot blonde twins have ever said anything about video games.

Therefore, to summarize the first ten minutes of Duke Nukem Forever: “Oh, how nice, a callback to the old game for the fans! That’s funny; I remember this level is more fun in 1996. Wait the boss just trampled on the ground 50 feet away from me and I died Oh, wow, they’re doing a meta-joke! And another meta-joke. And another … ”

The players, I’m clearly going to be very busy with the weekend. Are you looking forward to the new venture of Duke? Or do you suspect this will be the Chinese Democracy of videogames? And no, “Chinese Democracy” was not good.

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