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Dancing With The Stars

November 9, 2011 by staff 

Dancing With The Stars, Last night on Dancing with the Stars, the final five contestants battled it out for four semi-final spots. So who went home? Let’s find out:

The verdict: No surprises tonight, Nancy’s grace period was over. The writing was on the wall for the former prosecutor after Judge Len Goodman told her on Monday, “It’s midnight. It’s time to go home.” Nancy accepted defeat far more graciously than she accepted the Amanda Knox verdict, giving most of the credit for her admirable run to first-time pro Tristan McMa**s and thanking her rabid fan base who stuck by her, wardrobe malfunction and all.

Most hackneyed segment: Former pro-football wide receiver Jerry Rice, ESPN’s Kenny Mayne, and Judge Len Goodman were conscripted into an ersatz Sportscenter called DanceCenter. As commentators on the show, they made some vaguely homophobic c3acks about serviceman J.R. “Volcano Crotch” Martinez’s interest in musical theater and showed a mocked up reel of Ricki Lake outtakes edited to make it seem like she was making lewd jokes to Derek Hough. Real knee slappers there, guys.

Most anti-Irish moment: In a very juvenile attempt at levity, Rice, Mayne and Goodman asked pro Tristan McMa**s to say the word “third” over and over. Why? Because with his thick brogue it kinda sounds like he’s saying “turd.” Get it?

Least suspenseful moment: For some reason the producers thought they could build drama by pitting consistent frontrunner Ricki Lake against low scorer Nancy Grace and utilizing some falsely ominous long pauses.

Most eye-popping moment: In yet another of the seemingly endless DanceCenter installments, Jerry Rice, Kenny Mayne, and Len Goodman turned their not-quite gimlet eyes on Hope Solo. Having little show material to go from, they turned to one of Hope’s extracurricular activities: A nde photo shoot she did for ESPN The Magazine. If that wasn’t eyebrow-raising enough, they then had Len strip to recreate it. If it’s not in his contract, I’m putting it in mine: Len must be clothed at all times.

Best dance: Cirque du Soleil moved past their circus roots and squarely into the DWTS arena with a Michael Jackson-themed dance routine. The soundtrack moved from “Smooth Criminal” to “Billie Jean” as the group wowed with their trademark tumbling and twirling. Hope the DWTS troupe has more neon lightsabers and glitter pants, because they have some big shoes to fill.

Best musical performances: You can’t say this show doesn’t have something for everyone. Last week it was teen singing sensation Justin Bieber backed by Boyz II Men. Now it’s grandpa time, with crooner Andrea Bocelli singing “More” as the troupe twirled across the dance floor in old-timey top hats and tails. And then, just to provide the most extreme counterpoint, Flo-Rida performed his hit “Club Can’t Handle Me” backed by the troupe wearing spangled hot-pants. Like we said—something for everyone.

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