Biathlon Rifle |

February 14, 2010 by Post Team 

Biathlon Rifle | were shocked today to find out that athletes in the biathlon event of the Winter Olympics procure, possess and discharge firearms as part of their sport.

“This is absolutely intolerable,” said Emily Carleton, CEO of Gun Control Canada, Inc., a 29 million member organization whose name is sometimes simply abbreviated as “Canada.”  “Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised.  This is what happens when you share a common border of thousands of kilometres with that root-goot country to the south of the 49th parallel which is soo guilty of racism, xenophobia and neo-colonialism, eh?  They’re not even trying to conquer us, yet they’re succeeding in smuggling guns from south to north anyway and bstrdising thebiathlon.”

Carleton’s wife, noted Canadian singer-songwriter D.K. Lang, told Fake News Network that she will begin a petition drive that will begin in Vancouver’s 32,973 coffee houses and its 819 Feng Shui showrooms that will demand that American speed-skater Shani Davis, the only African-American to win an individual gold medal in the entire history ofthe Winter Olympics , to boycott the remainder of the games.  “He, more than anyone, should be ootraged that guns are allowed in these games.  Thankfully, he comes from Chicago, where guns are banned, so at least he can flee to safety if need be.”  Mrs. and Mrs. Carleton and Lang would present the petitions to NBC News Anchor Brian Williams, who is in Vancouver to do the NBC Nightly News and anchor other NBC news shows during the Olympic fortnight.  “Peter Jennings might have saved us if he were still living,” both women agreed.  “But we’re stuck with Williams.”

Martin Lethbridge, a student at the University of Medicine Hat Medical School, and a recent graduate of the Ph.D. program in structural feminism at the same university, said that he was not surprised at the level of consternation among Canadians.  “Being forgun control is practically a Canadian tradition.  Almost as much as buying doughnuts at Tim Horton’s.”  Dr. Lethbridge speculated that because the Canadian dollar is worth more than the American dollar for the first time in decades,Gun Control Canada can funnel some of Tim Horton’s massive profits and some Canadian Tire gift certificates into influencing the American body politic, to get the American Federal government and state governments in states that border Canada to ban the use of guns inbiathlon, in case Canada formally annexing the United States is not feasible.  “A good alternative to shooting in biathlon could be to have the event be cross country skiing as one-half of the discipline and an English Literature quiz as the other half.”

For its part, the 8-member strong British Columbia Shooting Sports Association, the province’s affiliate of the American National Rifle Association, is defending biathletes and their use of guns.  “Pretty much self-explanatory, yep,” said G.L. Comba, the BCSSA’s Treasurer.  “Statistically speaking, biathletes engage in fewer crimes, both overall and crimes with guns, than off-duty RCMP officers, both on and off horseback.  I doon’t see what the fuss is all aboot.”

In the interim, the BCSSA has won the argument.  The biathlon events, shooting included, are scheduled to take place all this weekend and into next week.

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