America’s Next Top Model

November 4, 2011 by staff 

America’s Next Top Model, Occasionally, Next Top Model America is as batsht, I have very little to say about it. What I can add to an episode in which contestants were forced to make “viral” videos? (I put “viral” in quotes because actually doing viral videos. In this connection, Tyra Banks does not know what “viral” refers to.) Presumption of it was absurd, and I love how Tyra presented as a reasonable challenge and not something crazy cooked while smoking the best “ledom boat.”

“How can you have your celebrity to a higher level that goes viral?” Asked Jay Manuel. I’m pretty sure that was rhetorical, but the sex tape, obviously. Then namechecked as viral sensations like Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber, suggesting that the models might one day join their ranks. And yes, I believe that each and every one of these ladies could eventually become as forgettable as Rebecca Black or even the guy who sang “Chocolate Rain”. However, before becoming YouTube stars, contestants were asked to co-write and record their own songs.

Allison spent much time going crazy over her inability to sing, which is a completely legitimate concern. I am puzzled by the assumption that all models would be able to sing, but I guess in an era of Auto-tune, anyone can sound halfway not terrible. I’m really surprised more than the contestants had to write their own songs, not even Rebecca Black was responsible for that challenge. Allison continued to insist on the song and ended up writing a touching ode to her recently deceased father. Because, well, nothing says viral and a dead father.

When participants arrived at the studio to record their songs, they were informed they would have to incorporate the phrase “ledom pot” which is “top model” backwards. I have no explanation for this, except, perhaps, that Tyra is a gnikcuf citanul. I also loved when Tom CBS Records “Polka reminded models,” You have to make it fun … It’s all about fun. “Allison Court, which had to incorporate a funky hook in her song. Rest in peace, Dad. Ledom were always a pot in my heart.

Allison somehow managed to make it work. (She is, literally, a foreigner, is the only explanation I can come up with.) Lisa, who won the challenge of writing songs, killed it, and most models of other jobs can be repaired. I say “useful”, as none of these women are professionals, and it showed. While I admired her enthusiasm, I was eager for the worst of the bunch (including my girlcrush Laura) for Auto-tuning in comfortable mediocrity. And yes, I thought it was cute when Alexandria said: “I feel like it could be an artist.” But in that class pretty deceived, vaguely annoying way. We do not do sht.

Music videos rose absurd lipsynch chorus (yes, I know) were provided by Tyra and Internet sensation Keenan Cahill. I’ll be nice to Keenan, it is a boy of 16 years of age, but is famous for lipsynching and not even very good at it. (See, I was fine. I could easily have said that talent is a terrible mess.) Tyra and Keenan did not ruin all the videos, if only because most of them were hopelessly horrible to begin with, but a frustrating distraction. I sympathize, though: Tyra and Keenan definitely needs the exposure.

I realize I have not said much about the songs, but most were too generic to merit discussion. Almost all participants chose to write about the competition, the challenges they have faced and how they finally going to be victorious in other words, the same sht every week peak, but this time set to pop rhythms of sht. Shout outs to Laura by her charm inane “Sweet Southern Girl” and Lisa for reliable fun “I Be Like Whoa.” No, Lisa, I like whoa. His song was something nice.

In the end, flat video of Alexandria is not enough. Angelee announced this chain of events when he said: “There is a line in the song that says,” Go, go, go. “No, no, no.” And while I did not think the song of Alexandria was worse than Shannon “World Go Round” or Dominique “Ya Booty Tooch,” I was happy to see him go. For a competitor whose main draw was the harassing conduct, Alexandria spent too much of this cycle flying under the radar. Sorry girl, but if you want to be a household name, you can not be afraid to make their voices heard. Each pot ledom know.

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